[More or less as seen in the former magazine known as [INSIDE]]
Buzzword or PhraseAs InWhat They're Trying to SayWhat They're Really Saying
 ping"I'll ping you on Thursday about the ASP contract.""I will e-mail you or leave a voicemail for you on Thursday.""I'd like to avoid real human contact with you if at all possible."
 leading"We're the leading supplier of video and 2-D/3-D graphics accelerators.""We're #1 in revenue, customers, profits, and respect." "No one has ever heard of us. but if you look at this tiny, narrow niche in which we've positioned ourselves, we're practically Microsoft."
 impactful"We've come up with an impactful new marketing campaign.""This is profound stuff.""To get your attention, I'm going to make you think of having a wisdom tooth pulled."
 path to profitability"By increasing operational efficiencies, we're embarking on a more aggressive path to profitability.""Forget that New Economy nonsense. We're a tightly-run operation on its way to making boatloads of money. Maturely.""We're hanging on until this recession thing ends and VCs start throwing money around again."
 metrics"Our strength in several metrics supports a higher valuation.""We've come up with a few ways of looking at our performance that make us look good.""No normal financial ratio could make our business seem viable, so we're going to use some ratios we cooked up ourselves."
Buzzword or PhraseAs InWhat They're Trying to SayWhat They're Really Saying
 CrackBerry"I'm addicted to the CrackBerry ­ I can't put it away.""This BlackBerry keeps me in constant touch with the office and lets me take care of important stuff when I'm somewhere else.""I'm sure you won't mind me ignoring you while we're supposed to be on a date so I can type a response to some nasty office gossip."
 M-commerce"We're changing to XML-based architecture to leverage m-commerce opportunities.""We're going to start conducting our electronic commerce via wireless devices.""We believe the e-commerce industry's problems could be solved if all computer screens were two inches wide and one inch high and the graphics were black-and-white."
slowdown in spending"The recent slowdown in spending has led our customers to postpone some purchases." "Our customers are just taking a little breather. They'll be back soon enough." "We are the only ones spending any money these days ­ mostly on mothballs and warehouse space."
 MSP (managed service provider)"We're a pure-play MSP." "We help our e-commerce clients manage their Web infrastructure."New pointless acronym = $$$
extracting value"We're eager to extract value from our user community.""We have all these people coming to our Web site, and we're sure this must be worth money to somebody.""Our previous strategy of 'monetizing eyeballs' failed utterly, and now we're trying to eke out every penny we can get."
Buzzword or PhraseAs InWhat They're Trying to SayWhat They're Really Saying
uniques (plural noun)"Our site had 50,000 uniques last month.""Fifty thousand individuals clicked onto our Web site last month.""Since there's no consensus on how to measure audiences, we'll publicize the measurements that make us look best."
 merchantainment"We're planning to turn this merchantainment concept into future things." --Polo.com's David Lauren, to Bill Gates, at Comdex Las Vegas, 2000"Our Web site is going to be interesting to look at while we try to get you to buy something on it.""'Infomercial' has such a cheesy ring to it."
have-to-have"We deliver comprehensive, have-to-have resources for professionals in accounting, finanace and law.""We make stuff people really need.""You folks fell for peer-to-peer and business-to-business, so surely you'll fall for this mumbo-jumbo too."
 ramping"We are ramping for a product launch in Q3.""We are getting ready for a product launch in six months.""Hey ­ Evel Knievel made it across the Snake River Canyon, right?"
 provisioning"We specialize in Internet infrastructure provisioning.""We help make sure traffic to your Web site doesn't jam up.""If engineers are the only ones who can understand what we do, then we must be a better investment than e-tailing."
Buzzword or PhraseAs InWhat They're Trying to SayWhat They're Really Saying
zero-footprint"We're a zero-footprint company.""Our company rents space from a data center.""We've just discovered a cool new term to use when we admit that we can't really afford to rent our own office."
 contextualize"Fast Yack will now be fully integrated into various contextualized areas of Road Runner." "We will be featured in areas where we're the strongest.""Good luck trying to find us."
 sorry"I'm sorry I can't be more encouraging, but this is how it's gone for everyone else in your position.""It's really tragic that you aren't getting paid that $3,000 we owe you for the story you wrote (and rewrote) for Inside Magazine, but we poor scribes are getting screwed by The Man once again. Hang in there, ink-stained comrade.""We conned you into doing this story and neglected to send you a contract. Oops. Tough luck. Have fun trying to sue Brill for 3 grand, sucka. The bright side: at least you're not the only one we're reaming."