buzzkiller.net: the inner saw

Tuesday, May 14

 
We are lively-up on buzzkiller 2.0. This blog page is the final frontier.
posted by Red Worm 5/14/2002 04:57:36 PM

Monday, May 13

 
We've had lots of new subscriptions in the last couple of weeks. Also lots of new submissions. Seems our site was mentioned in a newsletter whose name I'm trying to find right now. I'd like to give a little love back to them.

Our new site design looks a little bit like this blogger page here, except much cleaner, of course. Clarity is the goal.
posted by Red Worm 5/13/2002 04:15:44 PM

Tuesday, February 5

 
Received this from a reader today:
"I swear this phrase appeared in a PowerPoint presentation that crossed my
screen today: 'cannibalize competitive adjacencies.' Personally, I think it's the 4th sign of the Apocalypse."
You can almost hear the hoof beats that preceded the screen. Anyone have any definition for -- or defense of -- "adjacencies"?
posted by eEZD 2/5/2002 03:10:44 PM

Friday, January 25

 
Two interesting things we've learned after the latest release from Buzzkiller:
1) almost 20% of the our subscribers are no longer at their addresses or, more likely, have given up on e-mail and returned to carrier pigeons.
2) the misuse of the English language continues. We've gotten some nice new candidates for the buzzboard, so stay tuned.
posted by eEZD 1/25/2002 08:59:45 AM

Wednesday, January 23

 
Man. Somebody must have dropped a big fat rohypnol tablet into our drink. Nine months since we updated this thing. You know what they say: still waters run deep. What the hell does that mean?

Well, it's back on. In a big way. We just put up an all-new page of unbridled sneering and cheap shots aimed at the users of buzzwords and silly marketing argot. Dig it.
posted by Red Worm 1/23/2002 09:57:06 PM

Wednesday, April 25

 
Update on the CNN thing: turns out it was the real deal. Mark from Polyvision TV Watching*, an excellent fellow, has decided to lay that VHS tape on us free of charge. It was actually CNNfn, where someone from eTour (the guys who brought Mahir to America) went on and talked about us and a couple of other sites. Groovy. That's why we got all those emails at the end of March.
Thanks for the tape, Mark. The chances that we'll offer the streaming video of the show on our site are slim, due to the technical limitations of the team. Ah, well. At least we'll have some fine times sitting around the TV and watching it at buzzkiller HQ, once we get that thing built.

*The company hooked us up with the tape and then asked us to not use their name. Okay.
posted by Red Worm 4/25/2001 10:22:13 AM

Monday, April 2

 
We received an email this morning alleging that buzzkiller.net had been featured on CNN on Friday and offering to send us the videotape for $187.50. A day-late April Fool's trick?:

> >> From: Mark@polyvisiontvw.com
> >> Reply-to: Mark@polyvisiontvw.com
> >> To: teeth@buzzkiller.net
> >> Subject: Segment on CNN
> >> Date: Mon, 2 Apr 2001 11:02:56 -0400
> >>
> >> Hello,
> >>
> >> On Friday, Buzzkiller.net was featured on CNN. Our company, Polyvision TV Watching*, is a nationwide monitoring service that offers video clips and digital delivery to companies that are featured on television. I would be happy to send you a professional copy of the segment on VHS tape and via digital delivery. The cost is $120.75 for a VHS copy, or $287.50 for VHS with digital delivery (RealPlayer) which I can have to you as soon as this afternoon.
> >>
> >> If this is of interest to you let me know, and I can simply bill you for what you need.
> >>
> >> Thank you,
> >>
> >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >> Mark

> >> Polyvision TV Watching*
> >> www.pvisiontvw.com

*Name of company changed in exchange for them hooking us up with the videotape. We were saddened that they feared being mentioned on our site, but we really wanted the tape.
posted by Red Worm 4/2/2001 06:23:35 PM

Tuesday, February 13

 
The site was mysteriously mangled. eEzD raised the alarm. Our main page, buzzsaw.html, had somehow disappeared. So had this blogger page. Hmm. We'd suspect foul play, but we can't figure out who on earth would have a motive to mess with the site. We fixed it. Oh, yes, we're taking precautions. You betcha.
posted by Red Worm 2/13/2001 09:33:40 AM

Thursday, February 8

 
[A-ha! This just in from "Steve Jones," the journalist who posted that ridiculous query to Prof Net on behalf of Vice Magazine. As suspected, "jones" was and agent provocateur, fishing for credulous buzzword-mongers -- and finding them.]

Date: Sun, 4 Feb 2001 02:02:06 -0500 (EST)
From: steve jones
To: redworm@buzzkiller.net
Subject: Vice Magazine ProfNet

Hello,

I just checked your site for the first time in a long while and I wanted to let you know that the ProfNet I sent for Vice magazine was indeed a load of hooey. I did it to see how many people would respond sincerely. In the end I only received two responses calling my bullshit, out of a total of roughly 20 responses. The rest were "legitimate" pitches.

I sent it for a story I was working on at the time, but never finished. If it ever makes the page, I'll be sure to let you know.

Best,
"Steve Jones"

[note: No wonder he abandoned the story. The obliviousness to buzz badness exhibited by 90% of his respondents would have been soul-crushing to anyone with an innate faith in human nature.]
posted by Red Worm 2/8/2001 10:14:22 AM

Tuesday, January 23

 

[This stern rant astutely identifies buzzword abuse as the root of the recent tech sector meltdown]

Subject: You are not the only victims
To: teeth@buzzkiller.net
From: gordonrm@notes.cba.ufl.edu
Date: Tue, 23 Jan 2001 18:56:16

I would be less concerned than I am if the problems you identify were limited to incompetent flaks. After all, it's easy to ignore them, and, as most people do ignore them, they cause little harm.

Unfortunately, the problems have spread to the real world where real people try to raise real money and consume real assets that might otherwise be dedicated to something productive. These real people, many of whom otherwise are smart, waste their time producing business plans for start-ups that actually are based on useful, viable technologies but which go into the recycling pile because they tell us nothing meaningful about the technologies.

I don't know if this is because they view venture capitalists as Pavlovian-trained lemmings who respond best to buzz words or because they hire flaks to edit "marketing-oriented" business plans. Whatever the cause, the shame is that decent engineers with decent ideas that they could articulate reasonably well produce "polished" business plans that incite no interest.

Keep up the fun.
posted by Red Worm 1/23/2001 06:25:46 PM

Thursday, December 14

 

{Just in: an observation or two from the Great White North, pointing the finger at the media.
I must agree that once a buzzword makes the jump from press release or marketing materials to editorial territory, all is lost. I think the leading vector of lexical infection must be analysts. Analysts and consultants.}
Dear Buzzkiller,
Just a few random observations on the rise of buzzwords:
Do you think Wired magazine should take any responsibility for the dramatic rise in buzzwords since the early-1990s? That Wired Style Guide--published by Wired's book publishing arm HardWired--couldn't have helped anyone. It argued that jargon is *good*. Should they be held responsible for reparations--say, bundling a copy of Strunk & White's Elements of Style 3rd Edition along with Wired Style?
The current crop of e-business magazines (Fast Company, Business 2.0, The Industry Standard, etc.) have mastered the editorial voice of the
knowledgeable insider--the same voice pioneered by pop culture mags decades ago. Since they have to appeal to their audience of under-35 "e-preneurs" (gag) and older VCs who should know better, do you think we'll ever see plain English within their pages? Is there a way to force these mags to grow up, say, forcing the editors to read their own back issues so they can see how trendy and silly they sound in retrospect? I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
Just sign me,
Nostalgic for English in Canada
posted by Red Worm 12/14/2000 04:27:15 PM

Thursday, October 19

 
Here's a model pitch. It came from a real flack in NYC who surfs long Island and knows his way around the wheels of steel.
" You know of course mobile computing will enable end-users or early adapter road-warrior knowledge workers pervasive access to mission critical corporate data anywhere, anytime. Think about it - trade stocks and take a dump at the same time. Have sex with your wife and still track that shipping order to Singapore. Or email your wife with a wireless device that sends from your work email address while you have sex with your girlfriend."
Talk about making pitches relevant!
posted by Red Worm 10/19/2000 12:52:24 PM

 
Having re-read the message below and having done a bit more investigating as to the nature of Vice Magazine, I believe that the message posted on ProfNet was a hoax, a trick, a trap. Therefore, this Steve Jones, if he exists, or his creator deserves props for tossing that spanner into the PR machine.
posted by Red Worm 10/19/2000 12:43:13 PM

Tuesday, October 3

 
As has been pointed out in the past, we in the press are often just as guilty as flacks of perpetuating buzzwords. But what in the name of Hanuman, the monkey deity, was this reporter thinking when he posted this to ProfNet?:
> **4. E-TAILING AND VORTAL DEVELOPMENT - VICE MAGAZINE. For a special
> technology supplement, I would like to talk to leaders in the dot.com
> industry about the best-of-breed, turnkey b-to-b solutions providers using
> the ASP model to leverage end-to-end click-and-mortars for e-tailing and
> vortal development. Vice is a free monthly magazine circulated throughout
> North America and England in clothing stores, music stores, coffee shops and
> other businesses. Need leads by October 29. >>> Steve Jones
> [c::9/26:2825]
Before we flog our first brother, we need to find out if this is for real. Anyone respond to this request? Or was this some sort of desperate attempt to get noticed by the Saw? Let us know.
posted by eEZD 10/3/2000 10:18:04 AM

Wednesday, September 27

 
I added a bran-spanky new buzz term to the Buzz Board today, bypassing the on-deck circle. The term is "architecting," a degenerate gerund derived from a non-existent verb.
posted by Red Worm 9/27/2000 03:21:18 PM

Wednesday, August 30

 
Here, verbatim, is the subject line of an email received this morning: "Let's Talk Professional Services Supply Chain Apps.-- more specifically, Collections Management." Let's! What is it about subject lines that turns even the best PR professionals into buzzword-crazy hacks? Why not take a page from the NY Post, which today ran the headline "The Bride Wore Blues" over a story about newlyweds who left their gifts in the back of a cab? I'll read that.
posted by eEZD 8/30/2000 08:28:21 AM

Tuesday, August 29

 
Just received this from a PR director at a major telco:
> Please add "end user" to your list of horrific buzz words!
> I've hated it for 20 years and I still hate it today.
> What, I ask, is wrong with the word "customer?"
> Or, God forbid, "person?"
>
> I recently had the joy of editing a release that used the phrase
> "successful end user experience." You have to wonder ...
> do people who write like that ever have sex?
> And if they do ... do they consider an orgasm a
> "successful end user experience?"

Excellent points. We hate to inject morality in to the Buzz Saw, but shouldn't phrases like that be left in the bedroom? Consider "end user" officially banned.
posted by eEZD 8/29/2000 08:02:47 AM

Monday, August 28

 
As our consultants have told us many times, the Buzz Saw's core competency is in the thriving B2C buzzword space. However, when notified by one of our readers of a bizarre intraB buzzword, we couldn't help but post the letter. Read here to learn about the-soon-to-be-dreaded E>Tizing.
posted by eEZD 8/28/2000 06:44:40 AM

Tuesday, August 22

 
Added a page that shows where the site has been written about. It is too okay to end a sentence in a preposition, isn't it, Fight Club?

Also, the historical debate over the origin of the phrase "open the kimono" continues.
posted by Red Worm 8/22/2000 08:00:06 PM

Tuesday, August 15

 
Added a new love letter to the letters page.
posted by eEZD 8/15/2000 07:19:57 AM

 
A follower has asked us to make "enterprise" a buzzword, noting, "It's a starship, not a way to define a product market."
Thoughts? send them to teeth@buzzkiller.net.
posted by eEZD 8/15/2000 07:04:00 AM

Tuesday, August 8

 
A reader writes: "Thank you for including 'solution(s)' as a buzzword that desperately needs to die. When I recently received a letter that used the word eleven times in 1-1/2 pages of text, I wrote the company in return and reminded them that another definition of 'solution' is something that is diluted or watered down. I then asked them if they appreciated having their products looked upon from that perspective.
The press certainly tends to proliferate buzzwords. I go crazy when I hear a journalist use the word 'literally' when he really means 'figuratively', for instance, which seems to happen a lot....
I believe that many use buzzwords to try to sound trendy and smart, but to me, they sound derivative and redundant. Thank you again for pointing out these overused terms"

You're welcome.
posted by Red Worm 8/8/2000 02:45:02 PM

 
The following exchange provides a glimpse into the byzantine workings of the Buzz Saw filter and the ideology behind those workings. Bonus: some positive feedback from the Buzz Saw for a change.

>> From: "Andrew Sprung"
>> Organization: Andrew Sprung Public Relations
>> Reply-To: "Andrew Sprung"
>> Date: Wed, 12 Jul 2000 14:55:26 -0400
>> To: "The Buzz Saw"
>> Subject: Re: Giants crowd into e-comm services for small biz
>>
>>I believe the buzz saw is applied indiscriminately.
>
>Mr. Sprung,
>This is a serious charge indeed. The Buzz Saw is governed by a
>set of hand-crafted operational instructions which cause it to
>detect buzzwords and react. Ruthless, perhaps, but not
>indiscriminate.
>When the graphics-bloated page finishes downloading, you will see
>a list of terms that the Buzz Saw is instructed to regard as
>undesirable. One of the words,"rob*st," appears in your
>"Giants crowd into..." email. Another term, "best of bre*d,"
>appears in your "100,000 e-stores..." email (props to you,
>however, for lively use of the words "festooned" and "jacked").
posted by Red Worm 8/8/2000 02:25:01 PM

 
We can't help but reminisce about the time USA Today declared us a Hot New Site (see 8/7/00 post). Sadly, the paper has since moved on to newer, hotter sites, leaving us off the list. It's true what The Boss says: "Glory day, it'll pass you by."
However, while Buzzkiller.net is no longer considered hot by the nation's paper of record, it will forever remain lukewarm thanks to the Hot New Site archive.
posted by eEZD 8/8/2000 07:29:14 AM

Monday, August 7

 
Just received this email: "Your web site is interesting - but would be more so if you offered alternatives for the words you so clearly hate -- jessica michaud, v.p. marketing and public relations, nex-i.com."
Jessica, we respectfully disagree: the purpose of buzzword eradication is not to replace one buzzword with another. However, in good faith, we offer this fix: Instead of "interactive," why not try "horse-drawn carriage"?
posted by eEZD 8/7/2000 06:11:14 PM

 
Welcome to the Inner Saw: the place where we let you know what's new at the Buzz Saw. To day's big news: we've added this page. Also, we've been selected by USA Today as a Hot
New Site. The good fight continues.
posted by eEZD 8/7/2000 04:36:09 PM